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lmdeeSummary: When Joris discovers a genie in a lamp he begins making wishes, but without fully thinking through the consequences.
Joris had been given the battered cardboard box by a friend, who'd filled it with things found in a shed he was cleaning out for his elderly neighbour.
"Load of old junk," his friend said, "but I know who much junk you sell on Ebay."
It was true that Joris ran a successful side business by finding and selling collectables and unusual items and he'd accepted the box. So he opened the box and began to catalogue the contents.
There were some vinyl albums, one broken, the others possibly okay to be sold on. There were some brass and porcelain ornaments, which he quickly sorted into worth selling online, worth a carboot stall, or just charity donations.
There were some old newspapers, yellowed, and smelling of damp. A cracked saucer. A tatty stamp album, with a few stamps worth salvaging.
There were a couple of pictures, one of which had a frame worth selling, the other worth selling framed.
At the bottom of the box there was a coffee pot and an old lamp, both copper. Joris rubbed at the coffee pot with one sleeve, thinking it might be worth something when cleaned up. He picked up the lamp - one of those ones you saw in pantomimes masquerading as Aladdin's lamp.
For fun he rubbed the lamp, polishing one side of it.
Joris fell on the floor of his garage when the genie appeared.
The genie was a shapeless mass of smoke at first, and for a moment Joris thought he'd made the lamp catch fire with the friction from the rubbing. But as he watched the smoke coalesced, flickering through a few humanoid images until it settled on a pale, bluish hued male figure with a black ponytail on the top of an otherwise bald head.
"Greetings," the genie boomed. "You have released me from the lamp and chosen my form."
Well it did look a lot like what he'd expected a genie to look like, thanks to Disney movies. Joris frowned and got to his feet. He passed his hand through the genie. "Hologram?" Surely this was some kind of a trick.
The genie eyed him sternly. "I am the genie of the lamp. You have three wishes. Choose wisely."
Joris laughed. "Okay. One million pounds, right now."
"You have to preface the request with 'I wish'," the genie said.
"I wish for one million pounds," Joris said.
"As you command."
On the floor next to Joris appeared a pallet of money. He blinked. He examined one of the banknotes from the top pile. It looked genuine.
This could not be real. But if it was, Joris now wondered how he'd explain this to the bank. Already his mind was racing. He'd have to take the cash in small amounts to deposit to his account and spend some in different shops, though £50 notes were hard to shift. He realised he hadn't much thought about the practicalities. He shoved the note into his pocket.
"Second wish?" the genie asked.
Joris shook his head. "I need to think."
He locked up the garage and went inside. He poured himself a beer and drank half of it. He looked at the note again and then picked up the phone.
"Hey," Joris said. "That box you gave me..."
"Find anything good?"
"Couple of albums, nice picture frame," Joris said casually. "A coffee pot and a copper oil lamp."
"Great," his friend said. "You said copper usually sells well, probably better than that stamp album anyway."
No hint of him knowing anything about the lamp or any trick, and he wasn't a man known for practical jokes. So Joris thanked him and hung up. He drove to the bank and deposited the note into his account without incident.
Joris went back into the garage the next day, when he'd had time to think. He'd misused that first wish and he needed to do better with his second. Genies were said to be tricky and if you weren't clear on what you wanted, could screw you over. He was lucky that first pile of money hadn't been reported stolen and the police weren't at the door.
The genie appeared, flowing out of the lamp at his approach.
"I want to be rich," Joris said. "I wish that no matter how much I spend or withdraw that my bank account is always in credit and that all of the money is always seen to be legal and above board."
That was the best he'd come up with; no more huge amounts that would be difficult to explain away, or potential for legal issues, just a constant stream of cash He intended to work his way up, by regular withdrawals of decent amounts of cash, and opening another savings account, to having enough capital to buy a huge house somewhere with a very expensive view.
"As you command." The genie nodded.
"That's it?"
"That is it. Third and final wish?"
"I need to think," Joris said. He went to the nearest ATM and drew out five hundred pounds. This should have left him with just ten pounds left in the bank, but the amount in his account had not changed when he checked. He withdrew another five hundred and his bank balance remained the same, a respectable £510.
Joris spent the rest of the day thinking of what he could wish for. Fame? He didn't like the idea of paparazzi following him around. A beautiful girlfriend? With the money he had, it might be better to find a girl by himself; a genie provided girl might turn out to be a cheating thief if Joris didn't account for every aspect of her personality.
Maybe something altruistic. Joris had a vague idea that the way to avoid getting cursed by a genie was to wish for something for others.
"For my third wish," Joris said grandly next day, "I wish to save the human race from all illnesses, all accidents, from all harm and risk."
He was proud of himself for such humanitarianism. No child would die for lack of clean drinking water, no one would get hurt at work, no one would get sick.
"As you command," the genie said and there was a wicked gleam in his eyes.
Joris frowned, a cold chill running through him. He went outside—and the world was still. Birds chirped in the trees but cars had stopped, their drivers frozen. The postman was standing, stock still, by the gate, a letter in one hand.
With a sick feeling, Joris ran inside. He switched on the 24 hour news channel but the newscaster was staring blankly at the screen.
Joris ran back to the garage. "What have you done?" he screamed.
The genie gave an evil laugh. "What you wished for. No human will ever face any risk ever again. They will not get sick or be harmed or die. They will just...exist. Frozen as they are. Forever."
Joris fell to his knees. He'd destroyed the human race. He was the only person left who was truly living, alone but for the genie. "What about me?"
"You made the wish. You get to live with it," the genie said. "And best of all, this time, unlike other foolish wishes I've granted, there's no one else left to force me to undo my magic."
Joris felt tears of remorse run down his face as the genie laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
Joris had been given the battered cardboard box by a friend, who'd filled it with things found in a shed he was cleaning out for his elderly neighbour.
"Load of old junk," his friend said, "but I know who much junk you sell on Ebay."
It was true that Joris ran a successful side business by finding and selling collectables and unusual items and he'd accepted the box. So he opened the box and began to catalogue the contents.
There were some vinyl albums, one broken, the others possibly okay to be sold on. There were some brass and porcelain ornaments, which he quickly sorted into worth selling online, worth a carboot stall, or just charity donations.
There were some old newspapers, yellowed, and smelling of damp. A cracked saucer. A tatty stamp album, with a few stamps worth salvaging.
There were a couple of pictures, one of which had a frame worth selling, the other worth selling framed.
At the bottom of the box there was a coffee pot and an old lamp, both copper. Joris rubbed at the coffee pot with one sleeve, thinking it might be worth something when cleaned up. He picked up the lamp - one of those ones you saw in pantomimes masquerading as Aladdin's lamp.
For fun he rubbed the lamp, polishing one side of it.
Joris fell on the floor of his garage when the genie appeared.
The genie was a shapeless mass of smoke at first, and for a moment Joris thought he'd made the lamp catch fire with the friction from the rubbing. But as he watched the smoke coalesced, flickering through a few humanoid images until it settled on a pale, bluish hued male figure with a black ponytail on the top of an otherwise bald head.
"Greetings," the genie boomed. "You have released me from the lamp and chosen my form."
Well it did look a lot like what he'd expected a genie to look like, thanks to Disney movies. Joris frowned and got to his feet. He passed his hand through the genie. "Hologram?" Surely this was some kind of a trick.
The genie eyed him sternly. "I am the genie of the lamp. You have three wishes. Choose wisely."
Joris laughed. "Okay. One million pounds, right now."
"You have to preface the request with 'I wish'," the genie said.
"I wish for one million pounds," Joris said.
"As you command."
On the floor next to Joris appeared a pallet of money. He blinked. He examined one of the banknotes from the top pile. It looked genuine.
This could not be real. But if it was, Joris now wondered how he'd explain this to the bank. Already his mind was racing. He'd have to take the cash in small amounts to deposit to his account and spend some in different shops, though £50 notes were hard to shift. He realised he hadn't much thought about the practicalities. He shoved the note into his pocket.
"Second wish?" the genie asked.
Joris shook his head. "I need to think."
He locked up the garage and went inside. He poured himself a beer and drank half of it. He looked at the note again and then picked up the phone.
"Hey," Joris said. "That box you gave me..."
"Find anything good?"
"Couple of albums, nice picture frame," Joris said casually. "A coffee pot and a copper oil lamp."
"Great," his friend said. "You said copper usually sells well, probably better than that stamp album anyway."
No hint of him knowing anything about the lamp or any trick, and he wasn't a man known for practical jokes. So Joris thanked him and hung up. He drove to the bank and deposited the note into his account without incident.
Joris went back into the garage the next day, when he'd had time to think. He'd misused that first wish and he needed to do better with his second. Genies were said to be tricky and if you weren't clear on what you wanted, could screw you over. He was lucky that first pile of money hadn't been reported stolen and the police weren't at the door.
The genie appeared, flowing out of the lamp at his approach.
"I want to be rich," Joris said. "I wish that no matter how much I spend or withdraw that my bank account is always in credit and that all of the money is always seen to be legal and above board."
That was the best he'd come up with; no more huge amounts that would be difficult to explain away, or potential for legal issues, just a constant stream of cash He intended to work his way up, by regular withdrawals of decent amounts of cash, and opening another savings account, to having enough capital to buy a huge house somewhere with a very expensive view.
"As you command." The genie nodded.
"That's it?"
"That is it. Third and final wish?"
"I need to think," Joris said. He went to the nearest ATM and drew out five hundred pounds. This should have left him with just ten pounds left in the bank, but the amount in his account had not changed when he checked. He withdrew another five hundred and his bank balance remained the same, a respectable £510.
Joris spent the rest of the day thinking of what he could wish for. Fame? He didn't like the idea of paparazzi following him around. A beautiful girlfriend? With the money he had, it might be better to find a girl by himself; a genie provided girl might turn out to be a cheating thief if Joris didn't account for every aspect of her personality.
Maybe something altruistic. Joris had a vague idea that the way to avoid getting cursed by a genie was to wish for something for others.
"For my third wish," Joris said grandly next day, "I wish to save the human race from all illnesses, all accidents, from all harm and risk."
He was proud of himself for such humanitarianism. No child would die for lack of clean drinking water, no one would get hurt at work, no one would get sick.
"As you command," the genie said and there was a wicked gleam in his eyes.
Joris frowned, a cold chill running through him. He went outside—and the world was still. Birds chirped in the trees but cars had stopped, their drivers frozen. The postman was standing, stock still, by the gate, a letter in one hand.
With a sick feeling, Joris ran inside. He switched on the 24 hour news channel but the newscaster was staring blankly at the screen.
Joris ran back to the garage. "What have you done?" he screamed.
The genie gave an evil laugh. "What you wished for. No human will ever face any risk ever again. They will not get sick or be harmed or die. They will just...exist. Frozen as they are. Forever."
Joris fell to his knees. He'd destroyed the human race. He was the only person left who was truly living, alone but for the genie. "What about me?"
"You made the wish. You get to live with it," the genie said. "And best of all, this time, unlike other foolish wishes I've granted, there's no one else left to force me to undo my magic."
Joris felt tears of remorse run down his face as the genie laughed, and laughed, and laughed.